I grew up knowing logically there was God. I grew up religious. In 2003 I graduated from high school and came to Toledo to attend the UT, there though out the years there I abandoned everything I knew about God, unless I royally screwed up on Saturday night then I managed to crawl out of bed Sunday morning and slump into a church pew really just wanting God to make me feel better about myself.

Although my drinking was out of control and often followed by a bunch of bad choices I clung to one thing I held dearly, my virginity. I had too much self value to throw it away on all the silly boys I came across. Until I met the first one I fell in love with. I managed though the first part of our relationship to cling to my virginity, no matter how much teasing I endured, or how much he asked. But comment after comment, and plead after plead i caved, thinking that this was after all the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with…

2 months later our relationship ended, and I was in more pain than I had ever experienced in my life. my self worth plummeted, I hated myself, I held on to that relationship desperately wanting that decision to have been with the one I was suppose to be with forever. when the relationship continued to fall apart I just headed south, I had no self respect and hey if I already lost it what was the point of keeping it from anyone? what I looked for in significant others radically changed and i found myself in places I never wanted to be….

outside of relationships I partied constantly, 5,6 and 7 times a week. I lost jobs over it, I drove intoxicated, a lot, my grades in school slipped because of it, and most of all I was ravaging my body because of it….

in November of 2009 I was starting to fee more tired than usually, my appetite was fluctuating, and I could tell something was wrong but ignored and pushed though it all. emotionally I was also shutting down, I began to feel dead on the inside, but suppressed it and pushed though it too…

one night I was in my apartment and was struck by an pain in my abdomen. It intensified quickly, it was more pain than I had ever felt in my life. I panicked and called friend after friend and asked them to take me to the hospital, including my then on again off again boyfriend, no one could or would take me. I called my mom, who my relationship with was practically non-existent she immediately got in her car and rushed the 1.5 hour drive to Toledo. as I lay on the floor I just remember thinking if this is the end I didn’t even care….

The next month I stayed in Lima, getting my health back after being diagnosed with colitis. While I was in Lima not one of my friends from Toledo called. I spent a lot of time with my family. For Christmas my mom and dad had gotten my a Bible and a little devotional book, but quickly hurried to Toledo so I could party in the new years….

and then on January 4th I woke up to start my new job, with my car on E, and  feeling a little self condemned about not starting this devotional book I went ahead and opened it to January 4 and read this:

“I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying I trust you Jesus in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time think about who I am in all my power and glory…”

and I sat there for a second and I said fine Jesus… you want my trust? I need you to prove in a real way that you are real and that you’re always with me. and I set in on my day. All the way to the new job on E “I trust you Jesus”, sitting at my new job overwhelmed “I trust you Jesus” on the way home when the gas light came on “I trust you Jesus”… when I got home I checked my mail and there in the stack of arbys coupons and bills was a random check for 200 dollars. and instantly the atmosphere in my car was transformed. I couldn’t explain it but I just knew that I knew that I knew He was real, an it changed everything. 3 days later in the living room of a dear friend I read that God created me with an enormous amount of love, and that He never ever would leave me or give up on me, and declared that as truth in my life.


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